If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
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Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.