I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
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Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
(Musicians.)
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Me buying fruit and veg
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.