*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
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Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Mornin
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
What
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.