I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful