Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
You Might Also Like
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no