those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
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I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.