🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
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me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
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My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”