Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
You Might Also Like
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
me opening up to someone
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”