just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
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I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend