It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
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Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
The Backseat Boys
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.