Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
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the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Battery falling down a hole
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?