My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
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Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.