Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
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The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Hitlers gonna hitl
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP