HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
You Might Also Like
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.