It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
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I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit