My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
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Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
#oldknees
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
#Thanos #MondayMood
☠️☠️☠️
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.