[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
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baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
broke down and did it
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
“I’m helping” 😅