Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
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I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
“What?”
– Jude
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I feel it
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]