Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
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My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
wow he looks just like him
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.