“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
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My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I will never stop laughing at this
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
my lower back watching me try to live my life
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.