The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
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Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
classic mixup
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Oh. My. God.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney