Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
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I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.