goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
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[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing