Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
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Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
i meant to share this earlier
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!