If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
these two trucks have the same bed length
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!