I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
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To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
constantly working on myself.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
translated into Canadian
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Customize Your Wedding.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
A sick whale is called an unwhale
You deplete me
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively