I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
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Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Good morning y’all ☀️
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…