I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
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“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it