Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
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Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
guys i’ve cracked the code
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no