Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
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Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]