[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
You Might Also Like
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune