White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
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My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Get in loser we’re going crying
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.