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My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.