Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
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me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed