Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
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chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Ironic
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Bring back the McRib
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.