Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
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I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.