“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.