To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
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Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED