Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
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When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that