me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
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How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
The French word for sex is croissant.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly