hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
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Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.