Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
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If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
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