That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
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My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
We like the way Dwight thinks
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!