Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
You Might Also Like
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes