My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
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My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
One of the best
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.