Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
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My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Otters see a butterfly.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
“What movie?” 🤔
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.