We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
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ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
How your email finds me
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed