Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
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Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
one last job
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I need to get some bricks…
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Confused owl: What?!
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
at ease…shoulder.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.