13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
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Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving