If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
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If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Spring of Deception
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet